Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
