My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
pray to the hookup gods
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
