It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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