and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Everyone says I win the strip club
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
