it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
