My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize