Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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