WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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