dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize