Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
