yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
