around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
