WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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