The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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