Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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