my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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