I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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