There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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