I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
