Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
