so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize