How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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