If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
