Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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