Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
