Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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