1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
