smell my finger.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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