ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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