I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
