I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So many bounce houses so little time
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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