so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
