Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
