I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize