i would punch a child for taco bell
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
