sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
