Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
