M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
