You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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