dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
