Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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