the condom got lost in my hair
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
