Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
be right there i have to get my cape
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
