Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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