he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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