Me. At least after what I've been through.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
