not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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