We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
