you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
