She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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