If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
