Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
