well I can't set my house on fire every night
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
