Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
