I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
