I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
