If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize