The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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