Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
