The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
