So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i love accidental penises.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize