Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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