Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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