She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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