lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
